Having realized that half your success in the corporate world depends on how effectively you lie, here is my guide for budding liars , who are just starting to learn this art of lying.
Here are 5 sutras that you must master if you want to get anywhere in life, and not end up writing pointless blogs.
1. If it Rhyms, it’s true.
If you want to lie effectively, learn to speak in Rhyms. There is some evolutionary reason hardwired in our brains that not only make rhyming sentences easy to learn, but also very appealing.
I personally know someone who got away with ” Monkey’s tail is long and it’s rear is red ;thinking of you makes me sad” as a masterpiece. Specially works for female species for some reason ( I am sure this has something to do with evolution too). If you are targeting females, it’s better to user references to love, parenting, nature and flowers.
2. Effectively learn to lie , or lie to learn effectively.
Well, I know the heading doesn’t make sense, but to 85% of the people it would sound true. There is a format that confuses the brain and is extremely appealing.
Say something like “It’s not the size of your manhood in lovemaking, but the size of lovemaking in your manhood” and people will fall for it. I know there are some perverts who think that the original one was about the size of a dog and the fight, but trust me there is nothing appealing about a small dog fighting a big one.
3. Let’s all Alliterate away
If you can alliterate, you become not only a good orator, but also good at lying. Say anything with alliteration and people are bound to believe it. Try saying ” The Dilapidated diods of the display device” instead of a dot on the screen and you immediately earn respect.
4. 50% of the people make half the world’s population: Made up statistics
Use statistics if you need to lie. Make up the facts and figures on the spot, who checks the figures anyway. Say it with a straight face, have a little confidence and there you have it.
“2% of the world’s population writes with their left hand. That means over 140 Million active users we can target”.
Sound impressing ? Go on, make a few more. If someone challenges your statistics, you can always ask them to go check, or reply with
” According to statistics , 90% of the people who challenge the statics are either gay or too dumb to understand it”
5. A Study shows that People trust anything you say starting with “A Study shows”
Say , “A Study shows that cockroaches make better pets than dogs” or “A Study shows that amount of corporate bullshit is 20% more than the corporate chickenshit”. No only will people believe you but some of them will actually start taking notes.
6. The Power hybrid
A Power hybrid would be a super lie fabricated using all 5 of the above. It has statistics, money, alliteration and is extremely credible.
“A Study shows that 93% of the people think that a having superior smartphone can substantially support their sexual stamina” .
Generally such super lies are used by the governments around the world so they can keep screwing you, spend tax payers money on their orgies and keep oiling the machinery for endless wars. Note that reference to oil here is NOT symbolic.